April #1

CDC has released a report finding that the nations food supplies are no longer improving. Upon hearing this McDonalds started its new ad campaign “Hey, check it out, we’re health food now!’

The CIA announced today that they will be closing secret prisons for terror suspects. Upon hearing this Joe Rogan said “you mean Fear Factor is off the air?”

Former President Bush announced today that he will be traveling to China to speak at an economic forum. The title of his dissertation: global economic meltdown in 8 years or less!

61 year-old dungeons and dragons co-creator Dave Arneson died today after a 2 year battle with a level 7 ork.

Trinity Church is re-enacting the Passion Play over Twitter with "tweets" from Jesus, Mary, Pilate and Peter finally answering the question “what would jesus tweet?”

On april 27th Iowa will become the 2nd state to allow gay marriage. When asked why the Iowa supreme court said “there are none here, we just thought it would be funny.”
And in a related story. There is now ice skating in hell.

On the economy, Barack Obama says he sees glimmers of hope, and Mirages of optimism.

NBC announced it has reached a tentative deal with former senator Rob Blagoivich to star in a reality show entitled “oh my god, my hair ate my brain”

Governor of New York State announced Thursday he would introduce a bill to allow same sex marriage. Gov Patterson ended the news conference by saying “Great, so we’ve forgotten about the economy? No, shit… How bout pot, we could legalize pot?”

April 15th, tax day. Many Americans protested bailout spending by participating in tea parties across the country sending the message to Washington “its doesn‘t take big business to pollute the water.”

In a completely unrelated story, Crater Lake in Oregon will be renamed to Lake Lemon Chai Zinger.

The NY Yankees lost their first game in the new stadium against the Indians. The Yankees GM is confident about the series saying “The Indians may have won the first game, but by the third in the series the bulk them will have died from small pox”